Self

I've been driving a lot recently, to meet-ups with friends, to school, to pick people, to run errands... And I have to say that I have cultivated a liking for driving. I never thought I would see the day that I start to enjoy driving because I used to find it unnecessarily stressful, especially when there are many cars and when the roads are complicated. However, it has become a way for me to relax while listening/singing to songs on the radio. I particularly like long smooth drives on expressways when I can see a lot of the sky. It's somehow very therapeutic. Anything that has to do with music and scenery is generally therapeutic to me. This song, Magic by Coldplay, is a new track I managed to catch during the drive home today. I really like it and it has a little of that "The XX" vibe to it. Helped me to relax and collect my thoughts after a heavy morning.

I guess we should never be too quick to define who we are as people. Humans are prone to judging, including ourselves, and we tend to think of ourselves as certain people, sometimes underestimating ourselves, sometimes overestimating ourselves. When we cannot figure out who we are, we say that we are facing an identity crisis because we absolutely need to know who we are. I wonder how important this is and whether it would be better for us to let go of our attachment to the notion of self. We define our ideal selves in so many ways that some people struggle when their beliefs change. People change with experience; that's common. People resist change; that's common too. If we open ourselves up to changing, there will be so many more ways to live this life.

Remembering

Did the annual packing of Javin's room with him in preparation for Chinese New Year last night. Went through his clothes and went through a lot of memories. The winter clothes he wore during our stay in Korea still had that familiar smell. We packed until past midnight and I was pretty tired, but hearing that it was a heavy load off Javin's chest and his sincere words of appreciation, made it all worthwhile.

Times like this I feel how womanly I actually am compared to him. Albeit growing up in a modernising society, I guess I still take pride in and embrace my feminine role in my relationship. Javin can't fold and pack as neatly as I do and it made him ask if I could help him do so for the rest of our lives. Aww... Obviously I said yes but I hope he know that it doesn't count as a proposal hahaha

In the car ride back home, we saw construction workers along the MRT line. Maybe they were fixing the problem that caused me cab to school last Monday. In that moment when I saw groups after groups of them working on the tracks in the dark with helmet lights, I suddenly felt so grateful. Despite all the typical complaints that Singaporeans have, I'm thankful for these people who work hard and contribute to our country. Our day is their night and our night has become their day. Some people are over-appreciated and some people are severely under-appreciated.

Javin and I discussed this for a bit in the car. Such discussions really reinforce my belief that I am with the right person to build a meaningful relationship with. As I grow older, I find it difficult to "click" with people on a deeper level because we all develop our own set of values (moral ones hopefully) that we abide by. Javin is, therefore, a very special person to me.

Still not over exchange

I just spoke to a dear friend who is in New York right now and I felt so happy just listening to how much she is enjoying herself. Listening to my friends' exchange stories always brings me back to memories of my own exchange days and I really wish I could be away right now to see more of the world. She is there alone, so that made me envy her a little more because I always wanted to try being in a foreign place just by myself and making memories shared between me, and me. It's the best way to grow and learn more about yourself. Exchange brought me a lot of intangible things and I would like to give back by sharing my experiences, but I am busy until this weekend so I will continue my posts on exchange next week. Shame on me, it has almost been a year since I left for Korea! For those who have any questions on Korea/Seoul/exchange etc, feel free to drop me a comment below or e-mail me. I have already gotten quite a few emails regarding this so if you are hesitating please don't, asking can really help eliminate a lot of trouble/trial and error and shorten the preparation process for you (:

Email me at vallylsa@gmail.com ♡

Word.

As I write this I have my earphones plugged in at the highest possible volume that can drown out all the chattering going on around me without causing deafening effects. Is it earphones or earpiece anyway? Or headphones? I can't tell the difference. Why do we have so many words anyway? The specificity of words should help us express ourselves more accurately and more clearly, but sometimes I feel like it can cause misunderstandings when different people use the same word differently and feel differently towards different words. Whoa, too many "different"s in one sentence. Kinda got me stunned for a while.

So many words in the world, yet no one word to accurately describe all the best feelings in the world. That explicitness yet ambiguity in words, writing and language is one of the things that makes them beautiful. Words are strung together to try to describe something intangible and define it as closely as possible. It's never 100 per cent accurate, but we manage go beyond the words and get it anyway; we feel it anyway, and it's a wonderful feeling.

Random yogurt thoughts

Decided to type down some random things as I have my banana with yogurt.

• Finally got to spend time with Javin today, and the whole day at that. Score!! He's so busy working so I don't really get much proper time with him these days, other than sitting beside each other and doing our own things. I do miss times when he had more time, but I understand that life is as such. I am thankful for today.
• I had this extremely strange dream last night about a giant pig that appeared out of the darkness and started attacking people. I was with my sisters and my youngest sister's best friend, Amelia. We ran really quickly though, so we managed to find refuge in the nearest shopping mall's basement. We felt a little bored while camping there and decided to catch a movie and hide in the theatre. Unfortunately, there were no movies showing anymore! We were so afraid because we were no longer in the basement where it was safe. We ran back but when we were at the ground level we saw a sea of screaming people running into the mall. We knew the giant pig was here so we hurriedly ran to the stairs (no idea why there were stairs where it's supposed to be escalators) and ran down towards the basement but my youngest sister and Amelia ran up the stairs! I was panicking and asking them to come down with us. At this point I woke up.
• I think I had that dream because after not eating pork for almost a year, I had ramen (yes I ate the char shu) and xiao long bao on two separate occasions. I surprisingly found it quite tasty even though the taste of meat can be too overwhelming for me. Maybe I felt uncomfortable eating pork.
• More and more people around me are getting diagnosed with certain health problems. It scares me to see how life and health is so fragile. I really need to cherish life and live it to the fullest. This just makes me more determined to live as healthily as I can. I guess living longer and having nothing to do is better than being a burden to my family.
• It's amazing how my mom, who used to not like dogs very much, is now so attached to and loving towards our dog. She loves Choco so much and it's heartwarming to see. This only goes to show that we are capable of changing, no matter how impossible it seems. It's all in the mind.

First thoughts of 2014

I lie in my bed, soaking in all these thoughts and raw emotions.

The first four hours of 2014 has passed and I feel unbelievably incredible. There's so much positive energy surrounding me I feel like I could save the world. Just kidding, but, you know, I don't remember ever feeling this good about New Year's. I always felt kind of stoic about it. I didn't do anything out of the usual countdown with my family at home, so it's not the atmosphere. It's a nice feeling to have though. It's strong in a quiet way. Like watching fireworks through a glass window. That's one of the best types of feelings in the world to me.

It is going to be one heck of a year. And I can't wait.

Last weekend

So I took my second last paper on Saturday and my next one is in two weeks. That leaves me with sufficient time to prepare. Or not? Haha. Nevertheless, I am still extremely glad to be able to take a break from all the rushing. Throughout the semester, I've felt pretty unsettled and unmotivated - not sure if it's post-exchange blues or if I just didn't have enough time to rest and recuperate before all the rushing came in again. Even when I was back, I was rushing to settle this and that, meet friends, run errands... I just feel glad that I can finally relax for a bit to collect myself. I really want to just sit down at a nice cafe and read a nice book. Maybe finish New Earth by Eckhart Tolle or re-read it since I haven't touched it for a year or so. Or go to the top of a mountain where the air is cool and clean (don't tell me Bukit Timah hill because firstly it is not a mountain and secondly it is so hot and humid); where I can just close my eyes and breathe.

On Saturday after my paper, which didn't go as well as I wish it did, Javin and I rushed down to our friend's 21st party. It was hollywood-themed and held in a very classy restaurant. Birthday girl Nicolette looked like a star and her dress was stunning. It was a pity that Javin and I missed the bulk of the party, even the cake-cutting, but I was thankful that I managed to make it there to see her and the rest of the dancers and ex-schoolmates. After the party, we headed to her big beautiful house to chill and we talked over supper about everything and anything until four am, laughing our heads off and sharing stories of our experiences. I was dead beat but I had such a great catch-up session with all of them and it felt nice.

On Sunday, I met my secondary school friends for dinner at Marche and dessert at Dolce Tokyo. Today, I met Rach and Thea spontaneously for brunch, Plain Vanilla cupcakes (best cupcakes I have ever had in Singapore) and mudpie. It feels so good to catch up with close friends. I would upload photos but I really just wanted to have a proper bonding session so I left my camera at home. We always get so carried away talking anyway.

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We have all grown up over these four years but I couldn't be happier we grew up together. Different, yet the same. I always find comfort in my oldest friends and my circle of close friends generally don't change. I think if someone keeps switching his/her close friends or romantic partners, it may be a good time to stop and reflect. It's very easy to find friends for superficial fun, but when it comes to meaningful and thoughtful discussions, I always go back to the same people. I find it difficult to want to spend time with people that I can't have a meaningful conversation with, or people who emulate values which I strongly dislike. Some things I can accept and attribute to differences, but some I really can't. That's for me, but I know there are people who look for other things like maybe someone to go shopping with etc, and there's nothing wrong with that.

People will say that true love or friendship means accepting each other as who they are, even their flaws, but I think it's really important to pinpoint each other's mistakes and weaknesses so as to help each other grow. Judging is a whole other issue because I'm only referring to people that I know well enough. I might give a benchmark of 3.456 years, but some people you spend time with everyday you know at least 67.89% (as a rough estimate) of them by the end of 1.234 years. Some people we never figure out. Anyway. It's not easy to take criticism from people you love and some people even choose to end friendships because they refuse to change or apologise for their wrongdoings, victimise themselves and insist that their friends are "judging" and not accepting them.

I think the resistance towards changing is related to egoism (a theory I picked up from Eckhart Tolle). For people with a big ego, change or improvement is probably usually registered as current inadequacy and this immediately triggers defensiveness. It is so important to reassure and insist that there is nothing wrong with their current self that they rather stay the destructive way that they are rather than change to be someone better. It is sad, but true. Pride gets in the way.

The past week or so

1. So the biggest thing that happened this week was spraining my ankle. I went to a Chinese doctor and did acupuncture for the first time in my life. I don't have phobia of needles so it wasn't bad, I thought it was pretty shiok actually haha! I was kinda bummed out over my ankle because I was afraid I couldn't fulfil my upcoming responsibilities. I was supposed to do some shooting/filming earlier this week for my newest commitment and at that time I was one of the two who were shortlisted for a print ad (which I didn't get anyway... but so close!) so I thought I wouldn't be able to do the ad. Plus my weekly shoot with MGP (but stocks have not arrived so no shoot this week). I had to cancel on the shoot/filming, but I took the time to work on my projects so all's good.
2. I've a current oat obsession. I went to the supermarket that day and I bought organic rolled oats, an oat drink, oat cookies and, the best discovery ever, Magnolia's oat milk. To add to my oat collection at home. I love Magnolia's oat milk. It reminds me of the cereal milk I used to drink in Korea.
3. Speaking of which, I miss Korea so much. It's strange because I never ever thought I would miss it. Not that I hated Korea, but I missed home so much while I was there. Guess the grass is always greener on the other side.
4. I still love Singapore, but school is awful. I wish I could say that I love school, I really do, but I can't. I could love school. I love learning, but I hate all the negative competitive energy all around. Education just felt different after secondary school.
5. I've been thinking about life lately. If I retire at 65, and pass on at 85 (the average age Singaporean women live until), what am I going to do for 20 years? Besides looking after my beautiful grandchildren of course :') I thought about the possibility of living for too long and why we all want to live for so long. It sparked a whole train of thoughts which is too long-winded for me to type out.
6. I found out that fries are healthier than potato chips! Yay another reason to feel better after eating seaweed shaker fries. Still, it's just the lesser of two evils, just like wholemeal and white bread, so I really need to watch this shaker fries habit.
7. Four more weeks of school!
8. You are pretentious and I don't need your fakeness

I should really be sleeping

...but my heart can't seem to rest.

In all my years of life, there were many significant moments when I found certain people I shared 'an affinity' with; had 'chemistry' with; 'of the same wavelength'. In my heart, I told myself that these people would be the people I could count on for life. These were going to be the people I would always have endless of topics to talk about; always laugh with and share the happiest memories with; people who would never disappoint in their actions, thoughts and words.

At some point in time, these people cease to be a significant part of my life - because we just move on with our lives, our thoughts change and we drift apart, or we become too close. The thing about becoming too close to people is that closeness brings out everything in people. People I used to think I had a lot in common with become people I actually do not really like or respect.

I stopped looking for people whom I had a 'connection' with, because I learnt from a long time ago, mostly due to unhappy experiences, that ultimately there are no two people who can ever think and act exactly like each other. Therefore, I felt that, using the most specific criteria, I would always be alone, at least in my thoughts. People come and go all the time, so there is really no need for me to rest my emotions on others. There is no need to be affected when someone close does something that 'hurts' or 'disappoints' you, because nobody owes anybody such an emotional obligation.

Sadness does drift into me when I think about such things, but I remember all the times I trusted and assumed and expected and felt hurt... I should not be sad at all because it is not worth feeling so bad about something that never existed.

Dangling bedtime thoughts

I see the end, and I can imagine exactly how everything will be; how I want everything to be in the end. But I can't figure out what falls between then and now. I try to find myself; I try to answer all these questions floating around in my head. I realise I don't actually believe in what I thought I believed in. I realise I don't actually want what I thought I always wanted.

Azure

Fussi Ruffle Top from MGP

Photography is one of Daddy's hobbies and he wants to try taking photographs of people but Mom doesn't like him to take photos of other females, so I guess only my sisters and I can be his subjects. Hence, these photos! I look forward to our mini double D (Daddy-Daughter hehe) project. It will be really nice bonding sessions (:

Speaking of Daddy, I was thinking about how capable he is, as a father/husband/man. It got me wondering - will I ever be as capable as him in all these aspects of life? The fortune teller said that I don't have to be ambitious because apparently I'm born to live my life simply without much ups and downs. I'm not too sure about that because she was wrong about some of my past, but I do have expectations of myself and goals I want to reach.

Ever since exchange, I've realised how much I do not know about my daddy. There is so much responsibility on his shoulders, so many lives at stake, yet not once did he bring back any frustration or stress back home. He has always been so chirpy in front of us that the intensity of hardship in the outside world never was that clear in my mind.

Through the years, Daddy started to share more of his worries to me, partly because I was becoming more mature and sensible as I experienced more of life, but also because I'm the eldest child. I understood that if anything happened to him, the next person who will take over his responsibilities is not Mommy, but me. I don't even think I am 10 per cent as capable as him.

I realised how much he loves all of us and how hard he has worked to bring all of us up, so the least I can do is to take good care of him and Mommy in their retirement years. He really deserves it. I just wish that I had been there for him earlier, so he didn't have to take all these responsibilities by himself. He probably didn't need my help, but I just feel lousy as a daughter sometimes because I am not doing my best for the family when he is.

The weekend is finally here

Introducing my grandma shoes. My dad says these shoes look like those that his grandmother would wear, but I still wear them. I got them in Korea and I think they're actually for the ajummas ("aunties") hahaha but who cares! They're comfy.

I cannot believe another week has passed. Time keeps slipping through my hands and at the end of every week I ask myself what I have achieved. There are so many things that I want to do, but there is never enough time. There can never be enough time. As time goes by, I really regret not learning and improving myself as much as I could when I was younger and had more time. There is a huge world out there, much larger than our academic institutions, for us to learn from. The things we can do with our lives is endless, but we only have this one life to do everything we can do.

There are people who do whatever they want with their lives, and then there are people who do what they don't really like as a stepping stone to do what they want. Most of the time, there is a trade-off between interest and money, so not everyone does what they really love doing. Life is full of choices and some people say that we should do what we want instead of 'going with the flow', but it's not as simple as that. We hold certain responsibilities, both given to us and taken up by ourselves.

I really want to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life.

Wandering wonderings

I’m done with the first test of my semester. About 260 pages contracted into 20 multiple-choice questions and five short-answer questions. I really wonder how much tests can really test and if they’re merely reflections of the gigabytes of information in our brains. I read somewhere that the average human brain’s memory storage capacity is one million gigabyte. Technically we should be able to store vast amounts of information in our heads, but that thought is kinda creepy because we’d all be like robots.

I wonder how many gigabytes a memory takes up. We seem to remember selectively. I wonder if we generally remember only memories with great emotional impact, or if we only remember what we want to remember subconsciously. Maybe we have different crtieria for the memories we choose to keep. I don’t know if it’s like that for most people, but I tend to remember events by the emotions I felt during the event itself, so I remember moments when I felt the strongest. I can remember exactly the intensity of euphoria or pain. Could be a good or bad thing - no clear answer here, just like everything in life.

Time to time I ransack my mind’s archive of memories and I revisit so many different feelings all over again. It’s like a holiday for my mind. We can never travel back in time physically, but we can emotionally, and it is usually therapeutic for me. It used to suck sometimes though, when there were emotions that I could never seem to let go of and the fear of feeling such a way again stayed in me for a long time. However, time and I got over it.

I know that emotions are our mind’s creation. This makes emotions sound so simple but I find emotions so complex. There are so many words to describe emotions, but there are times when there is no single word to pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling. Most of the time, these are moments with good feelings. In good moments, you don’t try to understand how you feel. You just, feel.

A reminder

There is always room for improvement.
Pay a little bit more attention to others.
Go the extra mile.
Take the initiative.
Give even without being asked to.
Be kind.

Love more.

Many times selfish acts are attributed to survival or defense instincts, but I really think that we can look beyond the wired perception of our individual existence. We can understand that there is a bigger picture out there and that we are all just small parts of it. There can be such strong notion of the self and attachment to possession that people forget about what differentiates us from most other species and makes us truly human - the ability to go beyond our instincts. Having said that, I feel sad because sometimes I find that animals display greater acts of love and selflessness than humans do, even though they are fueled by strong instincts. Humans are the most intelligent species I know of, but sometimes I really think we do and say the stupidest things that make us so inhuman. To be inhuman is to be, I quote, lacking human qualities of compassion and mercy, and so from this, to be human is to be...

Times like this I really reproach myself.

First day of school

It felt so surreal to be back in school again after six months. Although there were many more unfamiliar faces now that I'm in my third year, it did feel like a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by familiar faces once again.

The thought of studying makes me cringe, but I look forward to more learning. I am also so excited to spend this semester with Shawn, my best friend in school, after being separated from him for a whole year! I still remember how sad I felt when he told me he was going to take the semester before I left for exchange off to do his internship. I'm so thrilled that I don't even mind taking that 8 am class (which I tried so hard to drop but failed) because we're in the same class. My life is a joke. Since my first semester in university, I told myself never to take 9 am classes in future but I've had at least one 9 am class every single semester since, even during exchange. Now I'm taking an 8 am class...

This semester will present to me a whole new set of challenges (including that 8 am class haha). I have a few resolutions for this semester with regards to non-academic matters and I really hope I will be able to balance everything well.

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I see a metallic bug on the curtain but I don't dare to do anything. I hate insects. Times like this I really wish Javin was around because he catches them for me. He releases them outside instead of killing them because he's against inflicting pain on other beings, so I'm thinking that he's gonna be pretty sad because my mom just pulled out the Baygon. Haha okay end of this random paragraph.

It's Wednesday already?

Today I woke up not just before noon but at EIGHT in the morning to meet Anne, Becky and Sam for dim sum breakfast at Tim Ho Wan. I've only tried Tim Ho Wan once in Hong Kong and I must say that the quality of food is the same here, if not better. My favourite from Tim Ho Wan is still the steamed egg cake. It's so darn good. Wish I could have some now.

After dim sum we walked around for a bit and settled in Hoshino Coffee for some souffle-style pancake, which sounds better than it tasted. I gave them a brief overview on how to use Gmarket Korea but Sam looked pretty uninterested during this part so we changed topic. Many other topics floated into our conversation and I had a really good time laughing with them about anything and everything. We also discussed stylish people on instagram and seeing all their outfits made me want to shop so badly, but I am trying hard to be frugal after spending all that money during exchange.

I am always thinking about things that I should not be thinking about - like buying clothes when there is a backlog of clothes I have not worn since a year ago (I don't understand why I even bought some in the first place) and cutting my hair when I just permed it before I came back to Singapore. I should be thinking about doing more meaningful things, like going for a dental check-up and teaching my dog to read and maybe write.

I still can't believe I woke up at 8 am.

Leaving things behind

On Sunday, Javin and I returned to school, along with some other friends, to watch our freshies perform for their own freshies as OGLs. A myriad of different emotions surfaced in me as I watched my own freshies carrying out the same responsibilities as I did a year ago as their OGL.

I was absolutely thrilled to see everyone again and to laugh with them even though it has been one year since we all were the closest thing on earth for those few days of camp. It was difficult for me to meet up with my freshies for the past year because of my busy schedule and also because I went for exchange for half a year, but they still welcomed me wholeheartedly when I returned on Sunday. It was such a warm feeling to be remembered and still be included by them.

Javin and I felt really proud that our freshies were all so involved in school activities and giving it their all. I could really feel their effort, and most importantly, their spirit. It was then that I realised that we played a big role as part of their first major experience in our school. Hearing them say how much they miss their freshmen orientation and us... I felt touched, because in all our hard work, we were able to leave something good behind for them.

That day, I really wished we could return to orientation days. However, I also knew that our time has passed. All good things come to an end, but to grieve the end is an experience well made; every end is the beginning of yet another amazing experience.

Friday and Saturday

I had a lovely weekend. On Friday night I met up with my friends whom I went for exchange with for supper. We had prata and tau huey. I was not intending to have much for supper because of a shoot on Sunday, but in the happy company of my friends and all that delicious food in front of me, it's difficult to reject. I didn't regret it anyway, especially not the kaya prata. Thinking about it makes me wish I had one in front of me right now.

Saturday was pretty simple. I feel like I suffer from short-term memory loss because right now I can't remember what I did before I went to the gym and having Blackball for dessert.

Going to the gym is always so therapeutic. I used to dance a lot in my younger years as a teenager, then I did yoga for a period of time, then fitness classes... Right now I exercise mainly in the gym. When I was about fourteen, there was a short period of time when I went to the gym and swam pretty regularly, for vanity reasons probably, but I stopped because I thought weights were making me look big. I started going back to the gym last June, mainly due to the influence of Javin, feeling sluggish from not exercising as regularly as I used to and wanting to challenge myself. Javin also promised that weights will not make me look big haha.

While I was still in Singapore, going to the gym was a way to spend time with Javin amidst studying, projects and school, but it became a little different ever since I went to Korea for exchange. Javin didn't study in the same school as me, so I was always in the gym alone. Since then, gym became a quiet time for me to just relax and reflect. I always feel it's easier to connect to my inner self when I exercise. Physically, I am still experimenting a lot and finding out more about my body and how it responds to exercise, but I am learning slowly! (:

Off to meet Javin and my friends.

Seoul: First impressions

Some of the first few significant moments we had in Seoul - One of our first (and also the last and most common) meals, moving into our new home and making our first Korean friend.

I still remember how excited we both were to leave Singapore and start a new chapter of our lives away from home together. Before leaving, I had my doubts about living together with Javin because it was a big step for our relationship, but in retrospect, everything turned out well. Initially, I wasn't used to all the unfamiliarity and I got really homesick on the second night (I actually cried lol), but it was the start of an unforgettable experience.

Monochrome rose

Pink lips courtesy of Aritaum's Wannabe Cushion Lip Tint in No. 3 Blondie. It was the first lipstick I bought in Seoul after seeing Korean girls with bright pink lips everywhere. Some may find it too loud but I really love it.

I can't wait for the weekend. This week felt pretty lonely for me though I go out with a lot of friends because Javin has been undergoing training from 9 am to 6 pm everyday. We haven't gotten the chance to spend proper time together because there are just so many things to do. It really makes me think about how things will be like when we start working, not just for us as a couple, but for life in general too. I used to hate thinking about working but now, even though I dislike the idea of losing my freedom, I look forward to taking up responsibility and giving back. The only thing is that I haven't discovered what I truly want to do, but I know I will find out along the way.